I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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