Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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