walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
