when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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