The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You need a sexual gate keeper
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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