I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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