Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
