Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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