you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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