I think i peed on brittanys purse
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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