just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
