DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
