we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
