hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
