Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
