I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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