I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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