Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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