your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.