Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life