He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
