How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the condom got lost in my hair
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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