i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
