he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
