dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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