It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
