I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
