I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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