I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
