Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
