I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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