he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
