i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
