whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
