Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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