I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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