My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She announced her abortion via fbk
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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