I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
found the other keg... it's in the tree
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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