So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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