Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
