I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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