If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
