i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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