Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
