no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
