Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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