he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
