I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
