i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
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Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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