Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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