Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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