fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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