I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
