Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
