I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
