he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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